Bev should soon be arriving in Sunderland. Yes, she's left me!
I've been trying to put my finger on the reason. Was it because I took half the ceiling off the main bedroom yesterday? Was it my acting last night? Is she really a closet Arsenal fan? Was it the thought of another week with me?
No, It's because our baby Juli needs her Mum!
Isn't it strange how the house feels empty when the person you love isn't there? I'm trying not to feel the void. Norah Jones isn't helping. Martin showed me how to transfer my CD's onto the mac and put Norah on there for me. I'm looking forward to getting all my CD's transferred...not on a Sunday though.
I've been quietly reflecting on life since Martin and Sarah left an hour or so ago. Quite often church has that affect on me.
Knowing as I do that there is life after death makes me think even more of how I'm living the one currently being occupied and what I think I should be doing with the rest of it...or what I can be doing to make the most of it.
I've been wondering about the things that may be considered clutter. Should I have a blog for instance? If yes, does it need to be daily? Would I be able to create more time to study scriptures and French if I was blogless? Would the lack of one contribute to more relaxation and time with Bev?
These are some of the thoughts floating around my head today.
I've concluded that I've been writing a daily journal all my adult life and I'm not sure if I can stop now. I need to express myself and make sense of my daily experiences. Yes, doing this on a blog is more time consuming, but much preferred to the journal in the attic option. I love to meet real people the world over and share thoughts and ideas. Some people spend hours on games, TV or just lazing around so I don't consider time spent on what I do as wasteful. It energizes me as I do something constructive!
I can have a weekly blog journal, but the one thought that is ever-present is one of the sense of loss at me not knowing what my Mother was doing, thinking or feeling on the days leading to her death. I understand the fact that she could have been too ill to communicate anything, but on the other hand she may have been happy, well and vividly expressive and I would have wanted to share it with her. I just don't like the idea of my children not knowing what occupied my time and thoughts up to the very last day, so I'm afraid it will remain a daily blog journal.
It's my life and I want to communicate every single day one day at a time. A week is too long and the content too selective for a complete picture.
The format can change however, and I'm looking at how I can incorporate everything I need to...paintings for instance, along with my life history and learning French which were destined to become separate blogs in the near future. Some days will be very short with only room for one short post which could well be "Too tired to write and it's been a rotten day".
I think change is necessary. I never want to stagnate, vegetate or grow old alone and forgotten. I never want to be mediocre even if I am. I never want to close my mind or dampen my will. I never want to be toothless AND thoughtless or without opinion. I want to learn, grow and experience. I want to participate and contribute, empathise and commiserate. I want to give, love, feel, share and do until I'm not able to and hope that it will be up to my very last day.