I'd be burned and scattered on the surface rather than venture below in one chunk to the delight of all those looking for a free meal.
Such were my thoughts as I felt the effects of not wearing a mask as I ground out the mortar from the joints of the bricks on Saturday. That 1933 mortar was airborne almost to herald a repeat of Mussolini's rise to power of that same year...with just as devastating effect. I'm all clogged up!
I haven't told Bev how I feel as I know what her response will be.
To top this, I had to hobble to the bathroom as, for the first time in 30 years, my leg muscle decided to sieze up.
As I'm apparently falling apart I may as well begin to consider my funeral arrangements (rather now while I'm relatively healthy).
I liked what I once read on a gravestone although it shouldn't really apply to me...
'Under this sod lies an even bigger one'.
This tickled me for ages and, for no apparent reason, endeared me to his long suffering wife whom I've never met. I guess his passing came as a bit of a relief to her. (This is classic English humour and may not be understood by others).
It's a novel thought to have a romantic final resting place. The idea of a visual reference is appealing, but the small print comes with that novel idea, and that is what terrifies me. I just hate the idea of me being on the menu. I was never that tasty or popular in life so why the change?
Note to the kids...I was kidding about the cardboard disposable boxes. I was just annoyed at the increased price of coffins. I'm over it!
Please don't get even with me or have the last laugh by sending me off in between some origami creation. I'll know you know!
I'm warming to the idea of you all visiting me from time to time underneath some exquisite blossom with a seat well maintained for you to have a sit and quiet chat with me. Perhaps a few rambling roses nearby would add to the overall ambience.
It would have to be a lead coffin though to repel any unwanted visitors and keep me intact. Please remember to check for stray flies before sealing the lid. This is of particular importance!
Granted, the crane might be expensive to get it into the chapel...or the helicopter to lower it into the grave as I understand these things can be quite heavy, but come on, the cost can be spread over a couple of years. Just give them my forwarding address should there be any default on payments. Better still, as I wouldn't want you to be getting into debt, I'll start saving !
I'm still confused as to where my full-stop will be and semi- colon rested? I understand Wilford Hill Cemetery is full and Sunderland are not interested in me (they were glad to see the back of me in the '70's.
I'm not Polish therefore Newark is also out of the question (ooh, Kenneth, that was below the belt).
I suppose I could try every Shire, County or Borough in the land but I don't think it works that way.
It seems I'm okay to jump off a bridge or cliff although I really don't know where they put such people once they have been found, re-assembled, identified, analysed, investigated and bagged.
Anyway, that's not for me. I'm a total coward when it comes to heights and being spread too thinly.
I'm not sure how France stand on this...the final resting place issue?
Well, it's been fun thinking about this but it has exhausted me. I'll have to leave which songs, and who speaks at the service till another day.
Don't worry, I'm not terminal. I fully expect to last longer than most of my friends, to be what Gordon B Hinckley once described himself as feeling like...'the last leaf hanging on the tree'.
I'm sure I'll be attending the weddings of all my toddler and unborn grand children at some distant point in the future...so long as I stay clear of brick mortar!
ps, All donations of second-hand fishermen and divers' lead weights gratefully received as I have some skill in melting the stuff down to be offered as my contribution towards the cost of a you know what!
It's been a hectic day for both of us and it's only 5pm.
We'll be watching Madagascar 2, Escape to Africa after tea. Then it'll be an early night with a good book. Oh yes!
The cause of my clogged -up lungs...